Dilemma Central

Often, I get dragged in to matters that don't concern me. And this happens only because I care for people without practical bounds of reason. While this hasn't gotten me in to trouble, its left my mind in a bit of a turmoil. I know both sides of the struggle. I know two kinds of pain. I know desperation and I know delusion. Even when I know of that thin strand that connects these two, my mind is still in turmoil. And I don't see any way out of this.

It is so much easier to handle things when the pain is yours. When dealing with others, personal boundaries start to blur. Emotion clouds intellect. Practical reasoning is now a road left unused. How does one, who is none of the two, manage three perspectives, and manage to fix things? All I know is that I am the man for the job because I know I wont give up.

A wise little girl once told me, "If you can bring a single ray of sunshine in to the lives of someone in the dark, that light is enough to light up the nine worlds above and below." God bless her and her spirit because it is teaching me something new everyday.

Like Edna St. Vincent Millay said,

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and, oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light!

Far Away

You never really know what you have until you lose it. All those afternoons when I felt too lazy to get out and meet you, those days I stood you up and yet you came back the next day for me, the lazy and carefree way you would play with my hair, all the tantrums I threw and the love you gave me in return... I'd give anything to experience it for just a minute. Distance wedged a small gap between us but I know I will fill it up... and I know you will always be there to take care of me. Love & Peace.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Aj n Me!

Hey all. Since I'm the new captain of this boat, let me introduce myself. I'm Liz. And for the forseeable future, this blog is going to be mine. :) Thought I'd start out with something that most people who know Aj would know... our story! :)

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CAT Exam

The day I had been waiting for. I had taken coaching classes and had worked really hard to know that I was going to ace this exam. I was so well prepared that nothing could go wrong. What finally happened there was something that even years of practice couldn't have helped. When I got to the exam hall, I was oblivious to everything else around me. I tried revising a few math formulae at the end hoping that that would help. After it was time, I got my seat in the exam hall and sat down. It was a small school bench barely enough for me. It had to accommodate another person. I kept praying it was a girl.

Then he walked in. I had seen him outside smoking near where the bikes were parked. He had been looking at me intently and I instantly slotted him in the 'Absolutely not' category. Yeah, I had categories back then. To my horror, he walked up and sat right next to me. I expected him to reek of cigarette smoke. Surprisingly he did not smell so bad. He fidgeted around for a few minutes. The genius had walked in with a pen and nothing else. Did he not read the instructions? He looked at me. I had a whole kit there. Three pencils, an eraser, a sharpener and what not. He then asked me for a pencil. I felt like lecturing him about reading instructions and all but I just did not want to spoil the flow. That was just the cue he needed. A glib talker, he quickly got me to tell my name and what I studied and all. He even had the cheek to make fun of my name. I hated him so much at that moment. He told me his name was Ajay and flashed a smile. And thats when it all started.

He asked me out - in the middle of a national exam. Who does that? I stared in disbelief for a few seconds before asking him to shut up. He continued to ask me out throughout the exam. It wasn't the cheap 'please please' type. Everytime he asked me out, he had a different reason why. Despite the moment, I kinda found it innovative. And he wasn't bad looking either. Just different. I ignored him. I saw him filling up the paper at rocket speed and figured he would never pass. We gave the paper at the same time and got up. He tried talking to me all the way down till we got out of the school. I just turned around and flashed the angriest expression I could muster up and told him to go away and threatened to inform the officials. He looked stunned (like he did not expect it at all). He quietly said sorry and walked away very slowly (vintage Ajay emo blackmail). I felt miserable. I tore some of the question paper off and wrote my phone number on it. I stared at it for sometime and then on impulse, I went and tapped him on his shoulder and put the paper in his hand and ran off. The last time I turned back and looked, he was grinning at me. For some reason, that gave me such a high.

3 weeks later, I had given up all hope of this guy calling me up. I was planning to go out with some friends of mine but I was dreading this visit to the movies. There was this guy in that group who had a big crush on me and I just couldn't stand him. Out of the blue, my phone rang and it was Ajay calling. I recall being shocked, angry and relieved at the same time. He then told me how his pant got washed along with my note and then got ironed and then he noticed the number. He was lucky the numbers were still intact because of the way he crushed the paper and threw it inside. Utterly irresponsible. He asked me out then. I told him that I wanted to meet up too but I had to go out with friends. I felt horrible doing that as I wanted to meet him so bad. We went to a movie theater closer to my place which is outside the city. I told Ajay where I was going. I did not expect him to come there obviously. Imagine my surprise when I saw him standing there. He coolly walked up to me and hugged me like I was his girlfriend and then kissed me. I remember the goosebumps. I had never kissed a guy before and it was awesome. That other guy was fuming. He tried to break us up but Ajay pushed him away telling him that I was his girlfriend (in what I now think is one of the lamest dialogues ever). Somehow, I couldn't even get myself to protest. I think that was when I had started to fall in love. And the feeling was indescribable.

P.S. He beat me at the CAT exam and scored a 91 percentile without even studying. Well... I was not allowed to concentrate and he is to be blamed! :)