Numbing The Pain

Many a time, I've obsessed about extreme feelings. I feel scared to use words like death or suicide. I've never walked that close to the edge. But, I have felt emotions strong enough to feel pain -- searing, excruciating pain. Makes the mind hallucinate, do things you'd never do. Just anything to get the pain to stop. Darkness that engulfs the mind and the soul - my mind trained to fight it - just making this more difficult than it should be. All I want is reassurance and peace too. Is it too much to ask? Another chance at peace? Why can't I lie to myself like others do? Condemned be the one who has to face his fears daily and not know that there be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I've moved on ... quite a while back. I was surprised that these feelings suddenly surfaced again. I was listening to this beautiful song then.




Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing toothache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says its better than here,
I’ll tell you what

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine

ho novacaine

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensation's overwhelming
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine

Shock and Awww!

How sarcastic am I? Quite sarcastic apparently. At a recent team outing, the guys (more girls than guys really and sadly more girl-like guys than guys too) were supposed to write something each of them wished for me this Christmas. Evidently, the literary geniuses read that as something they wished I would do rather than something they wished for me. Each one of them mentioned that I ought to be less sarcastic and all. What a shit gift to receive and that too from a audience like that.

It was funny that some people thought I would change for them. I mean how asinine are they if they're going to want me to change for them. Evidently, they had their heads much farther up their a$$@$ than I had previously thought.

Gotta Be Somebody- Nickelback

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with

`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Tonight out on the street out in the moonlight
And damn it this feels too right
It´s just like Déjà Vu
Me standin’ here with you
So I´ll be holdin`my breath
Could this be the end?
Is it that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with?

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There´s gotta be somebody for me like that.

`Cause nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.

You can´t give up!
When you're Lookin´ for a diamond in the rough
Because you never know when it shows up
Make sure you´re holdin` on
‘Cause it could be the one, the one you´re waiting on

‘Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There's gotta be somebody for me
Ohhhhhh.

Nobody wants to go it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There `s gotta be somebody for me out there.

Nobody wants to be the last one there
And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Somebody else that feels the same somewhere?
There's gotta be somebody for me out there.

War On Mumbai!

Terrorists struck the Maximum City at nine places on the 25th. They left the city scarred and angry. The anger is not limited to the people affected as it usually is in our country. There is a wide spread feeling of angst and discontent across the country. Our policemen and army personnel have laid down their lives to contain the situation and all the politicians could do was use the situation against their political rivals. That is sad and disgusting at so many levels. The people have a right to feel agitated.

There are a few things that have come out of all this which are worth noting and some of which can be implemented.

1. Do we have a central agency that specifically deals with terror threats of this sort? If not, no better time than now to create one. This force should be accountable only to the highest authority in our country, the President.

2. Why do our policemen carry World War I rifles to a fire fight? For a country this big, can't we afford to equip our officers and jawans with decent weapons? The terrorists were equipped with A.K. 47s and our men with those antique pieces that would guarantee our men a place in history themselves?

3. The security levels at these places is very lax. Why is it so? We crib about having higher levels of unemployment. I think that this could be an avenue for employment. We need to beef up the security at places like the ones that were attacked. Even if they don't end up really doing much for the security bit, they would at least end up relaying the information across town.

4. Information gathered by various agencies is not shared. I suppose this is an issue in every country. However, things in India are different enough to warrant such an access to information. I suppose this rings back to the first point about having a centralized agency to fight terror.

Like every other time, are we going to let all of this go? All the stuff I mentioned were points that came up in all the discussions that followed this sad event. Everyone heard it. Will someone do something about it?

India beat England 5-0

India won! We've now beaten England 5-0 in the seven match series. Dhoni and Raina steadied the innings towards the end after the brilliant start by Sehwag and Tendulkar. We cruised to victory easily. One would wonder if there could be anything that could mar such a happy occasion. Apparently there is something.

The match being telecast on Neo Cricket was constantly interrupted to show ads. They would not only show ads between overs but even if there was a replay or if a third umpire decision was pending. Any little free time and you'd see an ad. Most of the time, the ads would be shown till the very last moment and we'd be taken back to be shown the main shot after which another ad would be shown. This is worst example of unprofessional advertising means employed by any ad agency.

Neo Cricket is supposed to be a channel dedicated to Cricket and is supposed to be for Cricket lovers. The blatant misuse of their advertising rights shows us that money takes precedence over morals. I hope that this channel is not given anymore exclusive broadcasting rights.

P.S. I am super happy that India is rocking now!!!

Live as if...

Just something I heard in passing:

Work as if you have no need of the money.
Love as if nobody ever made you suffer.
Dance as if nobody is watching you.
Sing as if nobody is hearing you.
Live as if it were heaven on earth.

You ask me if this is really possible? Well, you'll never know till you try. :) It did occur to me that this did look a lot like those annoying email forwards we keep getting. This one in particular was interesting. Have we ever given thought to how we live our lives? Life is not about patterns but it is more about opening up and exploring new emotions.

Still Missing You!

Been six months since the big breakup -- the big kapish! All these days later, I sat down to see if this has changed me in any way. And apparently it has. It was so much easier back then. I didn't care for anyone else and I didn't care if others cared either. Its no fun to be alone so suddenly. It sucks to feel so incomplete. The world around me has changed. I know there are some people who definitely hate me for some reason. Thats the sad part - I don't even know the reason. This seems so much the like the old days at college.

Considering how vulnerable I feel, I find it even more difficult to start over with all these people behaving in such a manner. I think I should take off for some time and work on other things. Obviously, work is not as fulfilling and time-consuming as I hoped it would be. It is tough to understand what I'm going through because - as cliched as it may sound - I don't have words to describe the loneliness. I have become unusually rude to people to keep them away from me. I know of many people I could have really hurt if I let my sarcasm out. Thank god I've not fallen that far.

I am writing all this so that I know what I felt like even after I have healed. I understand that the first step in healing is to forget the past. I've done a lot of things I regret. Its time to move on. And thats what I am going to do. I have made many new friends who I like. I don't care overly much for the ones who know hate me. At the end of the day, my problems and these people are probably nothing compared to what some others are going through. I call a time-out.

Love & Peace

- Aj