The Illusion of Immortality

If history is any indication, we are creatures of habit, doomed forever to repeat our mistakes, and fret over the same meaningless struggles. Time is a steadfast master. It has seen kings become paupers, seen borders be redrawn so many times that the concept of drawing borders means nothing, watched the elements remind man of his maker and yet we don't learn. We worry about things that matter little in the grand scheme of things. What are our worries worth when we try to take in the complexity and the grand majesty of the unknown? After all, it took billions of billions of twists and turns for each one of us to exist. Shouldn't that be enough? Should we not be awed by the fact that each person around us is there because reality played out the way it did?

Our lives are not a trifle. We are beings of greatness limited only by our lack of perspective. As Carl Sagan once said:



 And yet we worry about petty politics, about religion, about peer pressure. Who really cares? Our ancestors must be laughing at us. This is probably why immortality is just an illusion.

Longest Night

I just had to put this one in... 

Is it dark, where you are? 

Can you count the stars where you are? 

Do you feel like you are a thousand miles from home? 

 Are you lost, where you are? 

Can you find your way when you're so far? 

Do you fear, where you are? 

A thousand nights alone.

So here we are set into motion 

We'll steal a car and crash in the ocean 

You and I, caught in a fading light 

On the longest night 

It's enough, just to find love 

It's the only thing to be sure of 

So hard, to let go of 

A thousand times or more 

I was close to a fault line 

Heaven knows, you showed up in time 

Was it real? 

Now I feel, like I'm never coming down 

So here we are, set into motion 

Steal a car, crash in the ocean 

You and I, caught in a fading light 

On the longest night 

I recall when we were together 

Even now it seems like forever 

So alive caught in a fading light 

On the longest night 

Can we go too far to find, what is waiting here? 

A little fall from grace 

On the longest night 

Did we go too far to find, what is waiting here? 

We'll take a little time, to open again 

Is it dark where you are? 

Can you count the stars where you are? 

                                                   - Howie Day

The Maximum City

Mumbai - the city of dreams, the city that never sleeps, and the city that waits for no one. My first week here has been a blur. It has been a ceaseless race to get around. The world doesn't stop for anyone. But somewhere in this thriving metropolis are people who make this city what it is.. people who make it real.

I often hear that it is easy to lose ones self in a city so big. I came to realize that in this big city, it is possible to get to know ones self too. Finding yourself while experiencing the lives of others can be a therapeutic experience for the soul. Random acts of kindness leave you unsettled. And then you, quite suddenly, see this beautiful city for what it is.

As Javed Akhtar put it,

Pighlay neelam sa behta hua yeh samaan
Neeli neeli si khamoshiyaan
Na kahin hai zameen
Na kahin aasmaan
Sarsaraati huyi tehniyaan, pattiyaan
Keh rahi hain ki bas ek tum ho yahaan
Sirf main hoon meri saansein hain aur meri dhadkanein
Aisi gehraiyaan
Aisi tanhaiyaan
Aur main sirf main
Apne honay pe mujhko yaqeen aa gaya.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

They say that flowers grow out of the darkest moments. In our darkest, most hellish moment, we face all our fears, our inadequacies, our demons. Why do we let ourselves fall so far? Why do we allow ourselves to feel the crushing pressure of all of them at the same time? We were not made for that kind of emotional torture.

Then again, the relief comes at a time when it is most unexpected. Upon exploring the darkest crevices of our distorted psyche do we find a way out in to the open. That moment of liberation is glorious, majestic and a sight to behold. The pieces of our life's puzzle begin to piece themselves together.

Curiously enough, the pieces now connect in ways that were not possible before. Gaze with wonder at the beauty and mystery your recovery has wrought. Its a time for appreciation. I wait for the end of the tunnel too. Just how long its going to take to come is what will show me how dark this night is going to get. All I know is that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Welcome To Wherever You Are

Ever felt like giving up and moving on? Ever felt heartbroken after a fight with someone you love. Ever wondered why it feels so hard to breathe while you feel like your world is crashing down on you? I'm willing to bet that each and every one of us have felt this way some time or the other.

I wish I could say that its easy to overcome. It is all in the mind. Trust me on this. Its just a matter of time before you figure it out for yourself. We're all the same. We differ only in the extent to which we inflict ourselves with the heartache. At those times of distress, we don't realize that we're special in our own way. We are perfect and can't be any other way. It boils down to that eternal conflict within ourselves where we are caught between who we want to be and who we really are.

It takes a certain amount of introspection to realize that sadness is very temporary. Nothing and no one is worth that kind of unhappiness. Its time to accept that and move on cause right here, and right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You are a flower waiting to bloom, a miracle happening right now, and the next big thing yet to happen. Close your eyes and visualize every aspect of your life - your family, your friends, your job.. everything. Try to evaluate your problems and check for yourself which problems are actually yours and not yours by association.

We control our lives. No one else does. Nothing anyone else says can make a difference. At the end of it all, its your life. If you look back on your life, I hope that you don't only see the people who made all the decisions for you. If you don't like something, don't do it. Do what you like and do it with all your heart. Be who you want to be, be who you really are, you are the real deal, the superstar!

When you want to give up and are ready to fall apart, remember that you're perfect and god makes no mistakes!

- Jon Bon Jovi.

Rain It Pours

Rain it pours, and its dancing in my soul now;
Rain it pours, and it drowns away my thoughts;
Rain it pours, and everything goes silent;
Rain it pours, and its dancing in my soul.

Ganesh Chaturthi (in my world)

Happy Ganesh Chaturthi everyone! The Ganesh puja in Hyderabad has always been special for me. Thats the one festival everyone makes sure to be home for. This year was no different. It was filled with fun with the family, great food, and of course, the festivities. What made it all the more special were the small things that happened in between all of this.

We convinced everyone that this year we would go eco-friendly. We bought a Ganesha made of clay. That was special. We bought a Ganesha that would not pollute the lake. We even managed to convince the other families to do the same. Its bad enough that the big muthis are destroying the lakes; we're doing the ecosystem a favor by cleaning it up one idol at a time. Scary thought but if the water of our lake ever dried up, we'd see a graveyard of idols! I'm willing to bet anything that if Ganesha could speak up, he would not be too happy with what we do to his idols each year. Save the city people.. save tank bund, lest it become 'tank bandh.'

I went shopping with my grandmother. She has shopping all figured out. Its fun to watch someone who knows where to shop and how much to bargain for. Its a talent. So, while we shopped, this lady came up with her baby and started to beg for money. The kid was old enough to be left alone while she works but she chose to beg instead. As expected, she got a lecture from my grandmother. No one gets away from those. After sending that woman away, she made me buy two bananas for them and made me peel them before giving it to them. That was to ensure that the woman fed the child. Small thing I know but I think my grandmom is awesome in ways like that.



Amidst all the pandals, the band-baaja, and the festivities, these small things stood out to make the whole festival so memorable. These make the festival worth celebrating!

Outplaying the Genie!

This is always something we used to wonder... why make just three wishes and why not ask for another three wishes as the last wish.. well, theres always a way out! :)

Soul Curry At The KFC!

Was out with Raj to watch the Prince of Persia movie at Cinemax in Hyderabad. After having a good time at the movie, we walked in to the KFC in the same building. I placed the order and waited for my food. When the food came, I asked the guy behind the counter for an extra plate. He just stared back. I looked at him for a few seconds before trying it again, this time showing him what I wanted by gesturing. To my surprise, the supervisor then tapped his shoulder and use the hand signals to convey my request. The guy behind the counter was mute. I had not expected to see someone who was deaf-mute working in one of the busiest KFCs in town. I was amazed.

My amazement grew when I noticed that there were a few more employees at the same outlet who could not speak or hear. The supervisor took pride in telling me about how he managed a very efficient crew that had overcome their challenges to become a star crew. Well, I don't know about the calories and the cholesterol in those KFC delicacies, but I can tell you one thing... this one was pretty good for the heart! :)

The Purpose Of My Life!

Do we all come in to this world with a purpose? If so, why do some of us feel so lost all the time. We go about spending our days like little specks of intense emotion without a boundary and without reason. It took me sometime to find my purpose in life. It was there in front of me all along and some people did point it out too. I was just too occupied by what I thought life was all about to notice. Here's a small story I read in a 'Chicken Soup' book that pretty much sums me up.


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"Dr. Papaderos, what is the meaning of life?"

The usual laughter followed, and people stirred to go. Papaderos held up his hand and stilled the room and looked at me for a long time, asking with his eyes if I was serious and seeing from my eyes that I was.

"I will answer your question."

Taking his wallet out of his hip pocket, he fished in to a leather billfold and brought out a very small round mirror, about the size of a quarter.

And what he said went like this:

"When I was a small child, during the war, we were very poor and we lived in a remote village. One day, on the road, I found the broken pieces of a mirror. A German motorcycle had been wrecked in that place.

"I tried to find all the pieces and put them together, but it was not possible, so I kept only the largest piece. This one, and, by scratching it on a stone, I made it round. I began to play with it as a toy and became fascinated by the fact that I could reflect light into dark places where the sun would never shine - in deep holes and crevices and dark closets. It became a game for me to get light into the most inaccessible places I could find.

"I kept the little mirror, and, as I went about my growing up, I would take it out in idle moments and continue the challenge of the game. As I became a man, I grew to understand this was not just a child's name but a metaphor for what I might do with my life. I came to understand that I am not the light or the source of the light. But light - truth, understanding, knowledge - is there, and it will shine in many dark places only if I reflect it.

"I am a fragment of a mirror whose whole design and shape I do not know. Nevertheless, with what I have, I can reflect light into the dark places of this world. - into the blackest places in the hearts of men - and change some things in some people. Perhaps others may see and do likewise. This is what I am about. This is the meaning of my life. "

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Being happy is so easy. It just boils down to whether we can open up our hearts and experience the joy the world has to offer. Its very easy to dwell in the dark corners of our psyche and languish there waiting for the eventuality. At a small level, my happiness brings a smile to others around me. My purpose in life is not to be a great discoverer or to be a great adventurer or a great teacher. My purpose in life is simple: To rediscover happiness and help others re-discover them. Its time for a positive change. After all, the world could always use a little more light.

Somethings Never Mix!

Sasi at his hilarious best!!! :D

Dilemma Central

Often, I get dragged in to matters that don't concern me. And this happens only because I care for people without practical bounds of reason. While this hasn't gotten me in to trouble, its left my mind in a bit of a turmoil. I know both sides of the struggle. I know two kinds of pain. I know desperation and I know delusion. Even when I know of that thin strand that connects these two, my mind is still in turmoil. And I don't see any way out of this.

It is so much easier to handle things when the pain is yours. When dealing with others, personal boundaries start to blur. Emotion clouds intellect. Practical reasoning is now a road left unused. How does one, who is none of the two, manage three perspectives, and manage to fix things? All I know is that I am the man for the job because I know I wont give up.

A wise little girl once told me, "If you can bring a single ray of sunshine in to the lives of someone in the dark, that light is enough to light up the nine worlds above and below." God bless her and her spirit because it is teaching me something new everyday.

Like Edna St. Vincent Millay said,

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and, oh, my friends--
It gives a lovely light!

Far Away

You never really know what you have until you lose it. All those afternoons when I felt too lazy to get out and meet you, those days I stood you up and yet you came back the next day for me, the lazy and carefree way you would play with my hair, all the tantrums I threw and the love you gave me in return... I'd give anything to experience it for just a minute. Distance wedged a small gap between us but I know I will fill it up... and I know you will always be there to take care of me. Love & Peace.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

One my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Hold on to me and, never let me go

Aj n Me!

Hey all. Since I'm the new captain of this boat, let me introduce myself. I'm Liz. And for the forseeable future, this blog is going to be mine. :) Thought I'd start out with something that most people who know Aj would know... our story! :)

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CAT Exam

The day I had been waiting for. I had taken coaching classes and had worked really hard to know that I was going to ace this exam. I was so well prepared that nothing could go wrong. What finally happened there was something that even years of practice couldn't have helped. When I got to the exam hall, I was oblivious to everything else around me. I tried revising a few math formulae at the end hoping that that would help. After it was time, I got my seat in the exam hall and sat down. It was a small school bench barely enough for me. It had to accommodate another person. I kept praying it was a girl.

Then he walked in. I had seen him outside smoking near where the bikes were parked. He had been looking at me intently and I instantly slotted him in the 'Absolutely not' category. Yeah, I had categories back then. To my horror, he walked up and sat right next to me. I expected him to reek of cigarette smoke. Surprisingly he did not smell so bad. He fidgeted around for a few minutes. The genius had walked in with a pen and nothing else. Did he not read the instructions? He looked at me. I had a whole kit there. Three pencils, an eraser, a sharpener and what not. He then asked me for a pencil. I felt like lecturing him about reading instructions and all but I just did not want to spoil the flow. That was just the cue he needed. A glib talker, he quickly got me to tell my name and what I studied and all. He even had the cheek to make fun of my name. I hated him so much at that moment. He told me his name was Ajay and flashed a smile. And thats when it all started.

He asked me out - in the middle of a national exam. Who does that? I stared in disbelief for a few seconds before asking him to shut up. He continued to ask me out throughout the exam. It wasn't the cheap 'please please' type. Everytime he asked me out, he had a different reason why. Despite the moment, I kinda found it innovative. And he wasn't bad looking either. Just different. I ignored him. I saw him filling up the paper at rocket speed and figured he would never pass. We gave the paper at the same time and got up. He tried talking to me all the way down till we got out of the school. I just turned around and flashed the angriest expression I could muster up and told him to go away and threatened to inform the officials. He looked stunned (like he did not expect it at all). He quietly said sorry and walked away very slowly (vintage Ajay emo blackmail). I felt miserable. I tore some of the question paper off and wrote my phone number on it. I stared at it for sometime and then on impulse, I went and tapped him on his shoulder and put the paper in his hand and ran off. The last time I turned back and looked, he was grinning at me. For some reason, that gave me such a high.

3 weeks later, I had given up all hope of this guy calling me up. I was planning to go out with some friends of mine but I was dreading this visit to the movies. There was this guy in that group who had a big crush on me and I just couldn't stand him. Out of the blue, my phone rang and it was Ajay calling. I recall being shocked, angry and relieved at the same time. He then told me how his pant got washed along with my note and then got ironed and then he noticed the number. He was lucky the numbers were still intact because of the way he crushed the paper and threw it inside. Utterly irresponsible. He asked me out then. I told him that I wanted to meet up too but I had to go out with friends. I felt horrible doing that as I wanted to meet him so bad. We went to a movie theater closer to my place which is outside the city. I told Ajay where I was going. I did not expect him to come there obviously. Imagine my surprise when I saw him standing there. He coolly walked up to me and hugged me like I was his girlfriend and then kissed me. I remember the goosebumps. I had never kissed a guy before and it was awesome. That other guy was fuming. He tried to break us up but Ajay pushed him away telling him that I was his girlfriend (in what I now think is one of the lamest dialogues ever). Somehow, I couldn't even get myself to protest. I think that was when I had started to fall in love. And the feeling was indescribable.

P.S. He beat me at the CAT exam and scored a 91 percentile without even studying. Well... I was not allowed to concentrate and he is to be blamed! :)

Plans :)

Eid Mubarak world!

The first long weekend of September is drawing to a close. Between beers, coffees, forced shopping and rock shows, this one rocked. Went to see the rock band competition at Extreme Sports Bar. Lost In Translation, a band that has a lot of my colleagues in it was making a comeback after two and a half years. They rocked. Too bad the judges did not allow them to continue after their 25 minute slot.

We're also making plans to use one of the weekends for a small trip. As always, my thoughts gravitated towards Vizag. I dont know what it is about that place that draws me there every time. Well, Tush suggested that we try Dindi instead which is in the East Godavari area. They even offer a cruise as a part of the vacation plan. Sounds good. It might just be a little expensive. We're working that out. :)



Check it out here.

Remembering Peaches!

Peaches, was Liz's dog. A rare breed - a friendly pom! I hadn't thought of Peaches in a long time and yet today, all of a sudden, memories just came flooding out.

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Was coming back home with a visibly pissed off grandfather. Why? Who knows? They're grandparents and apparently don't need a reason. Anyway, as we neared home, I saw what looked like Tushar's dog, Doey, run past. She was gone before I could look back. I called Tush up as soon as we got home and it turned out that no one was home and so it was highly possible that that was Doey.

Tushar then came around my place and we went looking for Doey. Stupidly enough, we went out in the Innova which was tough to maneuver. We then went back and got my bike. Then we got a call from another family friend that she was seen near their house. We headed there. We kinda realized that she seemed to be heading to their construction site. We headed in that general direction and sure enough, she was there. She had found her way there after having been taken there just a few times. Man, was that relieving.

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Peaches had gone missing in much the same way. Unfortunately, no one had seen her. No one to tell us where she had gone. She went missing in the morning and within a few hours all of us friends were there looking for her. Considering they stayed in the outskirts of the city, Peaches could have gone anywhere. She was old and cranky.

I found her. She had been hit by a vehicle. I remember sitting there choking up. The others arrived a few moments later. Lizzie broke down over there and sat on the road with Peaches in her arms. I still remember her crying. It brings tears to my eyes even now.

We had her funeral on that same rainy August day. I was just a kid trying to console another. I kept asking Lizzie to stop crying and now in retrospect, I think it was dumb of me to ask that. I also kept asking her if I could do something for her. What could I do? I could not bring Peaches back for her. Despite her tears, she turned to me with an expression frozen midway between anger and grief and asked me if I could quit smoking for her. And I quit.. instantly.

Despite the number of years I'm putting between that day, the memories remain just as fresh in my mind. I'm glad everything worked out good today. If only that day had ended differently...

Afternoons In The Monsoon

Remember when we had the time and patience to sit and watch the rain fall? I happened to come across the awesome video posted above. Its the sound of rain and thunder while on a river. When I think about it, all of us friends have spent some amazing time in the rain. I remember going on drives with Tush (and sometimes Anu) towards Shamirpet or just to Kapra lake. I used to love those rides. :)

And Lizzie, those awesome afternoons under that gazebo at the lake park at Osman Sagar... are some of the best memories I have of the time we spent together. Sitting there with some piping hot onion samosas (and an occasional beer) and watch the rain shake up the lake. Yeah... heavens the word for this!

House Of Cards - (Radiohead)

Just something I came to hear along the way...



I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table and get swept under

Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
From voltage spikes
Put your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table and get swept under

Denial, denial
Denial, denial

Finally Alone...

Finally alone..
This was not what I wanted.
I'd give anything
to get it all back.

That one perfect minute
when the hearts intertwine
to bend to the melody
of the soul.

It ended so fast,
as if by a mysterious force.
Little did I know
such forces flow freely in me.

And, now I sit quietly,
gazing in to the sunset,
the strong scent of a cigarette
invading my senses,
I quietly watch the smoke melt away.

I cant help but stare,
wondering why I am here
and not with her.
Wonders of the heart
will never cease to be,
emotions running wild,
I try to see where I went wrong.

I realize for the first time
the fault lies within me,
at the core of my very being.
Close my eyes and breathe deep,
I try to make peace with my demons,
and bare my heart bravely
to the ravages of heartbreak.

Never Gonna Be Alone

Sometimes, it takes several moments for it to sink in and sometimes, it takes but an instant. Never rush it but waiting for it to happen is not great too. They say that we realize how important someone is for us only after we lose them. Love is special. Cherish it while it lasts because this moment will never come again. Freeze your happiness and your love in this moment of time. Open up cherie .. for you may not have this chance again.



Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of it to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall...
Your never gonna be alone!
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands,
'Cause forever I believe that there's nothing I could need but you,
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...

You never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world on,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

Ooooh!
You've gotta live every single day,
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.
Every single day,
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes...

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.

You never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall.
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world on,
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.

I'm gonna be there all along the way
I won't be missing one more day
I'm gonna be there all along the way
I won't be missing one more day